Conversations with Emma

Four years ago almost exactly, as of this writing, the LDS church was studying Doctrine and Covenants at home for the ‘Come Follow Me’ lessons.  I sat in my kitchen listening to Emily and Dave of the “Don’t miss this” podcast sharing about section 25 of D&C which is all about Emma Smith.  They had taken a road trip to church history sites and filmed in various places to bring an authentic sense of the sections as they discussed them each week.  This week Emily took me on a deeper dive of Emma than I had ever been on before.  As she was sharing her love and respect for Emma I found myself pondering Emma’s feelings about past and current events.  My heart sought hers, and in response Emma appeared spiritually before me in my kitchen somewhat startling me! The usual response I receive to heart inquiry is a feeling or a sense of the emotions around the question I am asking.  Emma wasted no opportunity to share with me her feelings In Person, in Spirit.

I saw her spiritually standing before me, not with my eyes, but with the ‘eye of my understanding’, or my spiritual Third eye.  I asked her what happened at the time Jospeh was killed? How did she feel about the restoration work as a whole? Why had she not come to Utah with the rest of the church membership?

She told me “Brigham Young and I did not get along.”  She said “The “Authority” for the church went with Brigham to Utah but he took the teachings of Joseph and veered wayyyyyyyy off in a different direction.”

She invited me to read the history in the Saints book the church had recently put out.  The chapters I read detailed a conflicted and angry Emma who seemed to vacillate in her support of plural marriage.  I asked Emma how she felt about Joseph having more wives?   She directed me to her words in “The Voice of Innocence”, a decree she dictated to WW Phelps and had the entire Relief Society, which she was president of at the time, sign. She invited me to sit with her words and feel what she was feeling as she spoke them.  What distilled upon me was the passion with which she denounced polygamy.  This paragraph from “The first 50 years of the Relief Society” stood out to me.

“She [Emma] called for a “reformation in boath men & women.” By this point, Emma Smith opposed plural marriage as practiced by her husband and others in Nauvoo.  She thus encouraged Relief Society members to follow the published statements of Joseph Smith and the church, as well as her husband’s teachings “from the Stand,” implying that they should abide by his public remarks against spiritual wifey rather than any private teachings regarding plural marriage.”

Whatever her position on plural marriage before this, she was showing me that she VERY CLEARLY and VERY PASSIONATELY did NOT agree with it.  She showed me how she presented “The Voice of Innocence” to the women of the Relief Society in multiple meetings and asked them all to sign it.  I’d never thought about the women from this angle before.  Why were these women choosing to believe in and practice plural marriage or ‘spiritual wifery’? How and why were they finding truth or value in a practice that, in my opinion, only narrowly benefitted them and not until the next life? I was stunned to sit with these questions.

Emma told me “Plural marriage was NOT a commandment from God to my heart.  It was an abomination and because of my refusal to adopt this belief and practice I was left behind by Brigham Young when the saints moved west.”

Wow. That was a lot.

I sat with this new perspective that Emma shared with me until life called me back into motion. Sigh. Over the next several weeks I pondered what Emma had shared with me.  So the ‘authority’ went with Brigham but he veered wayyyyy off from where Joseph had been? What does that even mean? And how did he get this ‘authority’ and what does authority even mean?!?

“Think about the word authority Jenny, what are the root words?” The Holy Spirit encouraged me.

Well, Author stands out mostly.  So maybe Authority is like being the author, the one that gets to write the story. Hmmmm. Brigham was given the Authority? How did the succession actually go? Back to the Saints book….Oh wow, lots of conflict and different ideas of who should lead and then people claiming to have seen and heard Joseph talking while Brigham was speaking.  That is strange to me.  If Apostles from Heaven can show up to ordain Joseph to the priesthood, or Angels to direct him to find the gold plates, or to directly see God the Father and Jesus, why would there be anything different about the successor of that movement?? Wouldn’t people be expecting and SEEKING that type of leadership? Not from Joseph, but from HEAVEN!?!?!

In that same vein, how much of our church has been lead by Revelation in the how many years since Joseph’s death? Rarely have the prophets used the term “Revelation” in what they share with the church as far as I know.  That all generally ended with Joseph? And then we start taking their word for it rather than expecting them to see, be taught by, and express the direct words of this Heavenly guidance?? I mean I grew up assuming that the first presidency and the twelve were “special witnesses” of Jesus, but why don’t they ever share those experiences?!?!!? Joseph did! Why are they all the sudden so sacred we don’t talk about them?!?! Joseph encouraged EVERYONE to seek them! To seek to have a direct experience with Jesus! To see the face of God while in the flesh! Where did that encouragement and empowerment go!?!?!?!

Could the storyline be a little different than what I’ve been taught?

Could Brigham have CLAIMED the Authority? Perhaps He decided he was the best man for the job? Or maybe these sightings of Joseph really did happen and he accepted the role to be the Author of the saints story?  I don’t know if God ever formally or personally witnessed that to anyone. I’m going to have to do more research there.

What interesting questions! So when Emma didn’t like the story Brigham was “Authoring” about the Divine sanction of polygamy he left her in Nauvoo!?!?!  And what did Emma do after the saints left?”

“I kept the church going the best I could Jenny” came Emma’s reply in words sent to my heart and mind. “Look up my church. See what we did and what they are doing now.”

Well okay, let’s give it a quick goog. Hmmmm, its called ‘The Community of Christ’ now. That’s interesting. I like that name. That feels like the purpose of the gathering of people to me…..like a Mother God’s purpose, like a hen gathering her chicks kinda purpose. Community, not conformity. Love it. Okay, what else?

“Read the history. See what my sons did after the saints left?” Said Emma.

They went on missions to Utah to tell people that their father never practiced polygamy?!? What the? How have I never heard about this?

“Do you remember visiting the Community of Christ temple when you were a teen? Think about that building. What do you remember?” Asked Emma.

Well I remember the building being called a temple.  We took a tour and most of what I remember was a big open room like a concert hall or theater but the shape of the building was a spiral. A Spiral!?!?!? Wait a second! That is a symbol for the Divine Feminine and Heavenly Mother! What? Emma!!! Why was your temple built like that??

“And remember where it is built Jenny?” Emma encouraged.

OMG! YES! DEAD CENTER in Joseph’s plan for the layout of Zion! Oh this is too good! You mean to tell me there is already a ‘temple’ dedicated in shape and purpose to our Divine Mother!?!?! Holy catfish Batman! God has the best sense of humor ever!!!!! I love my God! YASSSSSS! All the Yes’s! Oh that is too funny! I love this! Thank you for showing me that!

I was at the time a service missionary serving weekly at the LDS temple nearest to me in clothing issue where patrons would rent ceremonial clothing for their time in the temple.  I made it a habit to spend time either before or after my shift doing temple work or at the very least meditating in the celestial room for as long as I was able.  I had many sweet experiences being in the temple in the posture of listening and seeking the Lord this way.

After an endowment session one day Emma popped up in the celestial room. She said to me “See Jenny!? Don’t you see!? God is not telling a story of multiple wives and one husband.  There is one Adam and one Eve.  There is one man and one woman.  God’s law is NOT polygamy.  Polygamy is a cancer in the consciousness of the church.  Don’t you see!?”  I pondered on her claims.  I wondered to myself “What do I know about polygamy? Why did Joseph say we needed to do this again?”  Two ideas were immediately in my mind.  First, that Joseph supposedly didn’t want to practice polygamy but that God had commanded him and told him that he would be damned if he did not adopt the practice.  And Second, that an ‘Angel with a drawn sword’ had come to Joseph to deliver this ultimatum.

Well that is interesting, I thought, Because neither of those ideas sound like the God I know, love, and worship.  Both of those ideas sound like Lucifer to me.  When has God ever told someone they would be damned if they didn’t do this thing or that??? Not my God! My God says we have agency to choose and that my choices will be respected and I will learn by making my own choices.  There was only one voice that spoke about forcing people to choose a certain way and not be lost/damned and that was Lucifers’!  My God does not condemn people, my God saves people!  And an Angel with a sword giving an ultimatum!?!?! Who exactly is this angel working for???? Not my God! That isn’t how my God speaks or acts or works with their children! That is a fear tactic! My God doesn’t use the spirit of fear but of power and a sound mind! (1Peter) Wait, what? These are the only reasons I can think of for Joseph’s justification of polygamy? Ummmmmm, WOW. That’s not my God. I better revisit this topic!

During an Endowment session another time Emma appeared and pointed out to me that Eve and Adam were both doing THE EXACT SAME THINGS! Saying the same words, making the same promises. Perhaps the endowment session had not always gone this way but in its current iteration all the things were the same. “Notice what that means Jenny” Emma invited.  My heart remembered a time in the temple several years earlier when the spirit had whispered to me that I was a Priestess and a Queen already. When the word ‘Hereafter’ was spoken it didn’t mean after death, it meant after gaining this knowledge, desiring to learn more, and accepting the responsibilities of that path. It was all an internal ‘hereafter’ not a life and death ‘hereafter’.

“Remember who you are” Emma encouraged.

With these thoughts on my heart and Emma by my side I went to the veil.  When I repeated the final words there Emma said “Listen Jenny! Do you hear what you just said!? Your entire posterity for all eternity! Who was the first woman to say those words?? Eve! And You, Jenny, are Her posterity! Do you remember the verse in D&C? (D&C 113:8) The rights of the priesthood She has by Lineage!? Jenny do you See??? You have all the rights of the Priestess-hood you could ever need or want by means of your lineage as a daughter of Eve! You don’t need your brothers to give you anything to utilize your Priestess-hood, fulfill your Divine purposes, or your stewardship as a mother and as a daughter of Eve. Everything you need is already inside of you!”

Oh. Wow. I sat and pondered all I had just received.

The power of the Priesthood is in me because of my mother Eve. What?!?! Holy holy cow. What even is the ‘Power’ of the Priesthood?

No sooner had I thought that question than the Holy Spirit answered me “Love Jenny, the ‘Power’ of God is Love”

Yes.

So simple.

God’s power is Love.

So I suppose I don’t really need another person to ‘authorize’ me to utilize the love in my heart or the Love of God that flows to and through me.

Wow.

I was reminded of a time when two of my children were wounded, distressed, and needing assistance at the same time. I was alone with my four kids (11 and under) and doing my best to manage the situation when my husband walked in the door unexpectedly.  He took one look at the chaos and the wounds and turned green and had to go sit in the other room to keep himself from passing out or puking.  My mother in law showed up just minutes after this and saw that she needed to support her son who was struggling in the other room.  So there I sat with one hand stopping the bleeding from an open wound on my sons head and the other arm under my daughter who had fallen, hit her head, and gone into convulsions.  I asked my husband to bless my daughter before he went into the other room, but realizing he was in no state to give such a blessing I turned to Spirit.  I asked the Holy Spirit what I was supposed to do now?!? The Spirit answered me “You can bless her Jenny.  Put your hands on her head (this is where her wound was) and I will help you with the words of the blessing.”  So I put my hands on her head and I saw in my minds eye that she was bleeding inside her head.  The Spirit guided me to command her blood vessel closed and the blood that had leaked out to dissipate and be reabsorbed.  After I was done I felt both the question, “Did that really just DO anything?” And the calm reassurance that she would be just fine. With lots of rest and a strict concussion protocol from our pediatrician who evaluated her later that day she made a full recovery. My son was also stitched up that afternoon and his forehead still bears the scar of that crazy day.

I didn’t need permission or approval or authorization from anyone other than the Holy Spirit to bless and heal my daughter.

I didn’t need…..

I only needed…..

I only needed my Faith in the Power of Gods word in my life! I only needed my Trust in the Holy Spirit to Guide me.  I only needed my Desire to Bless and Heal! I only needed my Discernment to know the voice of God to my heart and mind. I only needed my Willingness to follow and listen and experiment upon the word that God gave me.

I had everything I needed.

And it was all inside me already!

A few years later I asked Spirit to help me find the root source of my body image issues I’ve been struggling with for 32 years.  I first remember noticing the judgment and distaste for my body’s shape and size after I moved to Utah and just before I turned thirteen.  I asked Spirit to show me the deepest root cause of this judgment and distaste.  In my minds eye I saw myself winding down a rope of sorts that stopped in a space that held the word “Polygamy”.

Polygamy? Huh?? What does that have anything to do with my body image!?!?!

“Oh Jenny, let me show you” came the Holy Spirits reply. I was then inundated with the feelings of my ancestors.  Jealousy and not being enough from my Grandmas, then comparison and over performing and the energy of needing to out-do other women.  Deeper still was the need to be pleasing to your husband so that he would like you and want to be with you and be generous and kind hearted toward your needs and the needs of your children.

Oh gross!!!

I could feel the orientation towards a mans pleasure and away from the fullness of the truth in the heart of my female ancestors.  Where were the checks and balances for a relationship when multiple wives were involved? What brought a husband and wife through the difficulties of mirroring each others wounds and deep personal healing and growth? The pressure and the pain of choosing to be committed only to each other has been a catalyst for me for so much introspection and growth. What would a relationship be like where that catalyst was removed? A relationship where if you weren’t as pretty or as sweet as the next wife you were passed over, dismissed, or discounted??!?! I cannot fathom.

Then the Rage came.  The rage and the pain of oppression and dismissal and falsifying to keep the peace and to be provided for.  The fury of the ‘Silent Servant’ archetype my female ancestors felt forced to live in to survive.

Wow.

What did polygamy, as experienced by my ancestors, have anything to do with my current body image issues? A whole heck of a lot!

I searched my family tree to see where the polygamist ancestors were and found them in both of my Grandmothers lines and in one of my Grandfathers lines.

So much pain.

We’ve worked together, my ancestors and I, over the past several years to change the story, rewrite the beliefs, and have accountability on all sides of this polygamy issue.  The freedom and the peace I am experiencing now are profound.  Emma left me to explore and come to my own understanding of her words and guidance.  Though I feel our connection is strong and if I need her she is there! I’m not sure I’ve distilled all she’s shared with me even still.

Do I really remember who I am?

If polygamy is not of God and was deeply painful for my ancestry what can I do about that beyond my own family tree and personal healing? Is there a way to help heal my community of this “cancer in our consciousness” as Emma put it? I suppose this blog post is my beginning effort to do just that.  Sharing my experiences and my story for whatever benefit it may possibly be is the next step in my journey. So here you go world! I hope someone somewhere sometime finds this beneficial in someway. All my love to you!